CHARACTERS

ZELDA: A very unusual young lady who sells cookies door to door.  Fast-talking, generally sweet, and far-seeing in an eerie way.
FATHER: A sensible man.
KATIE: An impressionable girl with large ideas.

KATIE and FATHER are sitting on the floor, playing with building blocks.
KATIE: Put the round one on top of the blue one, Daddy!
FATHER: You mean this one?
KATIE: No, the other blue one.
FATHER: Here?
KATIE: Yes, there.  That’s the window so the people who live in the tower can see out.
FATHER places the block in the appointed place.
FATHER: All right… there we go.  Now they have a window on the world.
KATIE: Now put the red one on top of the round one.
FATHER: Er… I don’t think I can do that.  The round one will roll off if I put anything on it.
KATIE: That’s stupid!
FATHER: It’s part of what being round is, Katie.
KATIE: You can’t just have the window be on top!  You have to have a wall over the window, and then a point on the top of the tower.
FATHER: Well, we’ll have to build it some other way.  It just won’t work with the round block.  Could we use a square block for the window?
KATIE: That’s not going to work!  Don’t be silly, Daddy.  You’re not really a professional architect, are you?
FATHER: Well, no…I’m an investment banker.
KATIE: I think maybe you should let me build my tower may own way from now on, Daddy.
FATHER: I guess if that’s the only way—
The doorbell rings.
FATHER: Just a moment, Katie.  I have to get the door.
KATIE: Can I answer it?
FATHER: I don’t think you’re old enough to answer the door yet, Katie.  It could be anyone, you know.
KATIE: Why can’t I answer it?
FATHER: Because it’s probably someone here to see Mommy or me.  Just be patient.
FATHER gets up and answers the door.  Enter ZELDA.
FATHER: Hello, young lady?  Can I help you?
ZELDA: You may think you can help me, but in truth, only I can help myself.
FATHER: I beg your pardon?
ZELDA: I’m selling these fine quality lemon cookies!  They’re made from all natural ingredients and their proceeds will be donated to conserve the Oceanic coral reefs.
FATHER: Oh—well, I suppose if they look worthwhile…
KATIE: What’s going on, Daddy?  Are you buying cookies?
FATHER: I just might be, Katie.  Could I see a box?
ZELDA (holding up box): A box containing cookies!  Full of cookies!  A box overloaded, permeated, crammed to the brim, a cardboard contrivance practically distended to its natural limit with sparkly baked lemon goodness!
FATHER: That’s… a very impressive description.  But it doesn’t look like the box is full.  In fact, it says “16 count” on the package.
ZELDA: Meaningless words, sir!  Meaningless!  I assure you that the words “16 count” do not contain a verb, and are therefore not a sentence.  So there is nothing to fear!  And by looking at this otherwise deceptive package, you can see exactly how sumptuous these shortbread delicacies are!  Why, there’s a gem of lemony sparkles at the center of each one?
KATIE: I think you should buy some, Daddy!
FATHER: Well, they do look kind of tasty… how much are they?
ZELDA: They are all they need to be.
FATHER: I mean, how much do they cost?
ZELDA: They cost nothing!  Since all the materials used in making these cookies existed in the world beforehand, and will continue to exist after you and your adorable daughter have eaten them, excreted their less digestible components, and made healthful use of the nutritious portions until by the natural process of cell division and replacement they return to the external world, they in actuality cost nothing at all!
FATHER: That doesn’t seem to make any sense.  How much money do I need to pay for them?
ZELDA: Oh.  Well, thirteen dollars for a box.  But don’t despair—every dollar that you lose in this transaction represents a dollar that I gain!  So nothing is lost, in total.
FATHER: I thought you said the proceeds are going to help the coral reefs!
ZELDA: They are!  Since the planet is my concern, and money benefits me, indirectly this money is going to help Every Single Ecosystem on this planet, including the coral reefs!
KATIE: Okay, we’ll buy the cookies!  Sell them to us!
FATHER: No, Katie, I’m not going to buy any cookies from this stranger.  Thirteen dollars is far too steep, even if I felt good about her motives.
ZELDA: I’m not a stranger!  My name’s Zelda!  And if you won’t buy my cookies, I’ll be forced to move into your home and become a part of your family, to make sure that you eat some of these cookies eventually.  Why, to insure that you get some of this lemony goodness, I’ll cook a new batch of cookies every week and crumble some of them into your coffee while you’re not looking, and you’ll only notice the splendid abundance of yellow sparkles and soft shortbread when you see the accumulation of grit on the bottom of your recently drained cup… and then it will be too late.  Oh yes, then it will be too late!  Hey, kid, what’cha building?
ZELDA enters the house and crouches next to the building blocks.
KATIE: A tower.  For all the good people in the world to live in.
ZELDA: That sounds great!  Are you and your father some of the good people?
KATIE: Yep!
FATHER: You get out of my house this instant, young lady!
ZELDA: It’s Zelda, sir.  But why should I bother to get out of you house, when we’ll all be living together in this tower eventually anyway?  We might as well get to know each other first.
KATIE: My name’s Katie.
ZELDA: I know, Katie.  I think it’s a nice name.
KATIE: How’d you know?
ZELDA: I know everything.
KATIE: You do?  I bet you don’t know when my birthday is.
ZELDA: I guess you’ll have to wait until June to see if I know!
KATIE: Wow, how’d you know it was in June?
FATHER: I’m going to call the police if you don’t leave my daughter alone!
ZELDA: Go ahead, call them.  The more the merrier.  So, what part of the tower are you building?
KATIE: The top part.  But Daddy says I can’t put the red block on top of this round window.  He says it has to be square.
ZELDA: Well, that’s silly.  You just have to balance it right…
ZELDA puts the block on top and balances it easily.
FATHER: What?  But… that’s impossible!  You can’t possibly balance such a heavy block on such a little circle!  You’re using tricks!  Get out!
ZELDA: Katie?
KATIE: Yes?
ZELDA: Are you sure your father is a good man?
KATIE: Well, I think so.
ZELDA: He doesn’t seem to like me much.
FATHER: What am I supposed to think about someone who invades my home on ridiculous pretenses?
ZELDA: I don’t know about you, Katie, but I don’t like it when someone uses big words like that.
FATHER: What?  But you just—
KATIE: I know, I think so too.  Would you like to be my big sister?
ZELDA: Could I?  I think I’d love it.  Would you like a cookie?
FATHER: Don’t eat those, Katie!  I don’t trust her.
KATIE: Zelda’s a real architect, Daddy!  She’s better at doing a real job than you are.  So her cookies are probably better.
FATHER: That’s enough!
FATHER walks over and pulls ZELDA up away from his daughter by the back of her blouse.  The tower collapses to the floor.  KATIE cries.
ZELDA: You monster!  You’ve destroyed the haven of goodness!  You’ve stolen our final sanctuary against evil!
FATHER: I have done nothing of the sort!
FATHER throws ZELDA out the door.  She gets to her feet.
ZELDA: I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done.  I would advise you not to eat any of those cookies!  You didn’t pay for them!
FATHER: You can bet I won’t!  Now get lost or I will call the police!
KATIE starts eating one of the cookies.
FATHER: Katie, wait!  Don’t eat that!
KATIE: It’s good.  It doesn’t taste much like a lemon, though.
ZELDA: Lemon refers only to the color, silly.  It’s the brightest color in the world.  Suitable for good people like you…and me.
FATHER: Get out!
ZELDA: Goodbye, Katie!  I’ll be seeing you… eventually.
KATIE: So long!
ZELDA leaves.  FATHER takes the cookie from KATIE and throws it away.  He then clutches his hand in horror where he touched the cookie.  His arm begins to spasm, and in short order the convulsions work their ghastly way all the way through his body, whereupon, he collapses to the floor and dies on the very spot of the destroyed tower of blocks.  KATIE watches in silence.
KATIE: I’m sorry you couldn’t come to live with us in my tower, Daddy.  Hey!  Maybe Mommy will come join us!
KATIE runs offstage, excited.
The End.