CHARACTERS
ESTRELLITA: Champion of Prostitutes!
Enter ESTRELLITA.
ESTRELLITA: Behold me in my partially undressed glory! I am the
champion of all prostitutes! My exploits are legendary; my influence
runs far and deep! I range far and wide, performing acts of heroism
in the names of Ishtar the Mother of Harlots, and Aphrodite the Courtisan!
When I first heard that our prince had been kidnaped by the evil sorcerer
Yimmethal, I strapped on my garter, laced my trusty golden corset up (bottom
to top for easy access in a pinch), and threw on my shortest red skirt!
Ready for conquest, I schmoozed, hitchhiked and rode my way north across
the inspiring mountains and savagely hot jungles, whoring myself to the
woodsmen for protection from the wild animals—and once I had protection,
I whored myself to the wild animals for all the latest dirt on the woodsmen,
as well as a share of the meat from the day’s kills. A girl’s gotta
eat, you know? I discovered the house of an immortal Chinese warrior
whose spiritual energy had fallen out of tune with that of his wife.
After I set their energies in tune again with an energetic three-way sprawl,
he gave me his most trusted artifact, the revered Whip of Unprovoked Masochism.
I continued on my way, and upon reaching the path leading to Yimmathal’s
sinister castle, I found the way guarded by seventeen dozen staunch guardsmen,
each more powerful than the last. I dealt with each of these in turn,
and let me tell you that was a loooong day. I valiantly whored myself
across the drawbridge, whored myself up the ramparts, and with a massive
feat of strength, I managed to whore myself through the window and right
into the sorcerer Yimmathal’s bedchamber. He shouted and beset his
pet hellhound on me, but as no one knows better than I how to please the
Creatures of the Night, I had the thing cooing in a fuzzy ball before you
could say “Fandango.” The evil sorcerer tried to cast a spell on
me, but I let loose with my charms and cast a spell on him. Then
I whipped out my Whip of Unprovoked Masochism and let him have it in spades.
At last, he offered to return the prince if I defeated him in a challenge
of my choice, so I challenged him to a tightrope walk from one tower of
his castle to the other—in five inch heels! It was no contest, of
course—he plummeted after the very first step, and would surely have died
but for the magical mattress that happened to be under the rope.
A man of honor, or what was left of it anyhow, the sorcerer gave the prince
his freedom, and gave me the magical mattress as a lagniappe. He
taught me the naughty word that made the mattress fly through the air,
and so it was that I escorted the fair prince home—emphasis on “escort.”
Now, I stand before you a hero, the savior and despoiler of our royal bloodline,
and that magical mattress is none other than the one you see before me
here. Who among you is bold enough to meet me on this mattress and
partake in the age old sport? Who among you is ready for the heroic
wiles of Estrellita, champion of prostitutes?!