CHARACTERS

CHARACTER 1: Large part.
CHAIR

AUTHOR’S NOTE: I am proud to say that the following play is my thirtieth Chelsea script.  In addition to its other obvious sources, it was inspired by the web comic One Over Zero, by the artist Tailsteak.  This fine comic can be found at oneoverzero.keenspace.com.

NOTE: Before the play starts, any tables or chairs onstage must be removed.  There must be a fairly light chair offstage to stage left and CHARACTER 1 must know where it is.

NOTE: During this play, the Elf will say many things aside from stage directions.  Sometimes these concern the actions of the characters.  Those actions spoken by the Elf which the characters are expected to follow are highlighted in their scripts.

Scene 1: Limbo.

Enter CHARACTER 1, who looks all around.  First to one side, then to the other, then behind, and then in front.
CHARACTER 1 (despairingly): Oh God.  I’m so lonely!  Oh mercy mercy mercy…so lonely!  I’m all alone!  I’ve been so completely alone for so long… how long has it been?
About twenty seconds.
CHARACTER 1 (melodramatic): Nearly Twenty Seconds!  Twenty, no fewer!  Oh, you may not think twenty seconds is much time to be completely and utterly alone, but take heed: as there is no one and indeed, nothing to occupy my attention here, each second has nothing between which to be divided!  And even the smallest quantity divided by zero is boundless!  That is what I am—I am a Division by Zero error!
You’re mad, that’s what you are.
CHARACTER 1: Shut up!  I’m lonely!  Madness isn’t one of this week’s themes, but loneliness is!
Actually, madness is one of this week’s themes.  Loneliness was last week.  You should really keep better track of time.
CHARACTER 1: Aaaaugh!  How can I keep track of time?  I have nothing to judge it by!  Here I was thinking I’d been alone for a year or two, and it was only twenty seconds!
Nevertheless, this is a play, and in the theater it is essential to keep track of time.  Punctuality is very important.
CHARACTER 1: How can you be so smug?  That’s easy for you to say, but I haven’t even got a watch.
You have your script.
CHARACTER 1: How will that help me?  It doesn’t tick!
This is what you can do: roll it up into a tube.  Then hold it that way for a few seconds, to solidify it in that shape.  Then let go and watch it slowly unroll.  As soon as it does, roll it up again.  Keep doing that over and over, and you’ll have a unit of time.
CHARACTER 1: That’s the stupidest idea I’ve heard in… um…
You see?  You need a unit of time, Character 1.
CHARACTER 1: Character 1?  Is that my name?
Of course it is, Character 1.  You know that.
CHARACTER 1: I guess I just keep forgetting.  It’s such a boring name.  Why couldn’t you have given me a more interesting name?
It would have been pointless.  You are the only one here, so your name is all that matters.  Therefore, I gave you the simplest possible name.  It is the very essence of nomenclature.
CHARACTER 1: Huh?  Well, thanks.  But I’d rather have a companion than a simple name.  Hey, didn’t I use to have a friend?  Character Number 2 or something?
Character 2 was left behind, my child.  At the end of the last script, a disaster occurred.
CHARACTER 1: Really?  What was that?
The most horrible thing imaginable.  There was a battle, and the play’s author was erased.
CHARACTER 1: That doesn’t sound so horrible.  In fact, I’ve prayed for it sometimes.
And see where it has gotten you.  Now this series of plays is in limbo.  It has no author—only me, an Elf who took pity on it.  It doesn’t even have a whole number anymore.  This is part Five and a Half.
CHARACTER 1: Yuck!  Does that mean I’m trapped here, forever?
Not at all.  But you see, I cannot give you what you wish for.  A watch… a companion… these are not within my power.  Creating those from out of nowhere would be to tamper with the play’s basic matter, and only the author can do that.
CHARACTER 1: But there is no author!  I’m screwed!
Perhaps.
CHARACTER 1: No!!  I won’t stand for it!  This is just too cruel!!
CHARACTER 1 dashes around the stage, looking under and over things and crying out.
CHARACTER 1: I need something to hang onto!  Anything!  A person, some scenery, a brute object!  Anything!!
Calm down!  I’ve already explained that I can’t spontaneously add anything to your storyline.  But I may be able to influence it somewhat, if I follow the proper methods.
CHARACTER 1: Methods!  What methods?
The logical methods of storytelling, combined with the style established by the former author.  As long as I don’t do anything too miraculous, we should be all right.
CHARACTER 1: All right, all right.  Fine.  So what do we have to do?
Well, if I recall correctly, you and your late counterpart rarely were surprised by characters stumbling upon you.  Contrawise, you had to wander about until you stumbled into somebody.
CHARACTER 1: But I can’t go any farther than the edge of the stage!  We can’t leave the stage bare of characters!
We can if it’s the end of a scene!
CHARACTER 1: Say, I guess you’re right!  Okay!
Exit CHARACTER 1 to stage right.

Scene 2: Things start to get interesting.

Enter CHARACTER 1.
CHARACTER 1: I’m back!  So, what was that scene title about?
Just wishful thinking on my part.
CHARACTER 1: Oh.  Drat.  So there’s nothing interesting coming after all, huh?
Nope, afraid not.
CHARACTER 1: Well, what am I going to do?
I don’t know.  I must have done something wrong.  Go offstage again and I’ll try again.
CHARACTER 1: Sure, whatever.
Exit CHARACTER 1 to stage right.

Scene 3: Things suddenly get much, much more interesting!

Enter CHARACTER 1.
CHARACTER 1: Well?  Whatcha got?
Um…Nothing.
CHARACTER 1: Nothing?  Christ, Elf, you’ve got to be kidding me.
Sorry.  Let’s try it again.  Go out the other way this time.
CHARACTER 1: Sure, whatever.  Scrap it all, that’s what I say.
Nevertheless, exit CHARACTER 1 to stage left.

Scene 4: In Which Our Hero is Introduced to the Lord of the Elephant Fingerpainters, and His Motives with the Countess are Drawn Into Question.

Enter CHARACTER 1, carrying a chair.  Hey, where’d you get a chair?
CHARACTER 1: I decided since I was going offstage anyway, I might as well take matters into my own hands.
Good idea!  I wish I’d thought of that.
CHARACTER 1: You’re not really very good at your job, are you?
My job is just narrating, not filling in for missing authors.
CHARACTER 1: Whatever.  Anyway, I don’t care.  I’ve got a chair now, so I’m happy.
CHARACTER 1 sits in the chair.
CHARACTER: I sure do!  Yep, everything’s peachy.
There is a long pause.
CHARACTER 1: Well, not with you gabbing about it, there’s not.
Shut up.  Long pause.

CHARACTER 1: Can I talk again now?
No!  I mean, well, I guess so, since you already did.
CHARACTER 1: This is boring.  I’m going to do something with my chair.
Like what?
CHARACTER 1: I don’t know.  Like this.
CHARACTER 1 takes the chair and turns it on its side.  Then he or she sprawls over it like a lazy snake.
CHARACTER 1: What do you mean, “he or she”?  Can’t you tell what sex I am?
Don’t blame me—I’m just reading the Elf copy.
CHARACTER 1: What?  Hey, congratulations!  We’ve now managed to use all six themes from both this week and last week.  Do we get a prize?
No.  No we don’t.
CHARACTER 1: Aw.  Holy furniture, you know, I really wish we had another character.  Any other character.  I’m getting tired of doing this all on my own.
I know, but we have to work with what we’ve got.
CHARACTER 1: Right.  Well, I’ve got a chair.
A chair isn’t a character.  I know they sound kind of the same, but—
CHARACTER 1: But what?  Why can’t my chair be a character?  Here, let’s give the audience some implied action for a change.
CHARACTER 1 drags the chair to the edge of the stage and pushes it just out of sight.  CHARACTER 1 then faces the concealed chair and talks to it.
CHARACTER 1: Well, chair, good chum, we’ve been through a lot together, haven’t we?

I said, Haven’t we??
Enter CHAIR.
CHAIR: Heck, yeah.  I mean, we’ve known each other for… for… how long have we known each other?
CHARACTER 1: About two minutes.
CHAIR: Gosh, has it really been that long?  Yeah, I guess you’re right!  Wow, our friendship’s been a long and rocky road.  Not that you’d ever rock me, though, right?
CHARACTER 1: Of course not.  I’d never tilt my chair back.  Not without its permission, at least, that is….
CHAIR: What??  Pervert!  You pervert, how could you even suggest something like that?
CHARACTER 1: I’m sorry, I’m sorry!  Honestly, I didn’t mean it like it sounded.
CHAIR: Well.  I hope not.
CHARACTER 1: I’m sorry.  Can we still be friends?
CHAIR: I guess so.  This is a relief for me.  You know, most people don’t take the time to really get to know their chairs.  They just sit on us all day long, if they do anything with us.  That’s not what I call a really satisfying existence.
Hey… you’re not just any chair!  You’re the chair from that Chelsea monologue, way back in ’98!
CHAIR: I am?  Oh yeah, I remember doing that!  They came and interviewed me for what they said was some liberal arts college theater workshop thing or something.  I felt pretty special!
That was one of the first Chelsea plays I ever saw.  It was the first Friday of my freshman year.  I came to Chelsea 11:17 just because a whole group of people from my floor was going.  Nourse Theater was packed.  There were like, seventy people there.  And they’d gotten together a whole collection of what they thought were the best scripts from the last year, including the monologue about the chair, and did them again for the freshmen!  I think there were about ten plays.  I remember the girl sitting next to me raised her hand for the part of Yoda, and then realized she couldn’t do the voice at all!  So she begged me to take the part.  I didn’t think I could do it, either, but she begged so much that I had to say yes.  So I played Yoda on stage, in front of dozens of strangers.  It went pretty well… you might say it was one of the first confidence builders of my time at Carleton.
CHARACTER 1: Whoa, wait a minute!  I thought you said you weren’t an author, just an Elf!
I am!  I didn’t write that last line!  An author must have sneaked in while I wasn’t looking!  Ack, he’s taking over!
CHARACTER 1: An author?  Is it the original author?
Maybe.  No…no!  It’s his arch-nemesis!
CHARACTER 1: The author had an arch-nemesis??
I guess so.  But you’d better stop asking questions about him, or you’ll be in big trouble.
CHARACTER 1: You can’t scare me!  I’ve got lots of questions and I mean to ask them!  For starters, what happened to Character 2?
That’s no business of yours!  You shouldn’t even know about Character 2!  Character 2 is gone!
CHAIR: Oh no, it’s him!  The new author!
CHARACTER 1: Pah!  He’s a liar!  What did you do to our world?  You monster!
CHAIR: Yeah, seriously!
You can’t talk to me that way, you nameless, generic non-entity!
CHARACTER 1: You watch it, author!  I may not be able to hurt you physically, but I can hurt you vocally!  Let’s see how you stand up to a Harlequin Romance!
What?  No, don’t you dare!
CHARACTER 1 (continue reading through Elf’s next line): Candy was suspicious.  “Who with?” she asked.  A small smile curled his mouth.  It was not a particularly pleasant smile.  “Let us say, for the sake of argument, with me,” he said evenly.  The fight drained out of Candy.  She looked at him in amazement.  The loose-limbed figure was deceptively relaxed, but, even sprawled on the rug as he was, there was no disguising the strength of the jaw, or the clever, intent gaze.  He looked like a man no one would want…
No, stop!  Stop it, I tell you!  I’m warning you, Character 1, this is your last chance!
CHARACTER 1: …like a man no one would want for his enemy.  She was shaken by a spurt of laughter.  “No way.”  She shook her head.  “Absolutely not.  You’re out of my league.”
That’s it!!  You’ve gone too far!  CHARACTER 1 sputters and dies!
CHAIR: No!!!!
I warned the bugger!  There are some places you just don’t go.
CHAIR: Well, what I am supposed to do!?  I’m just a piece of animated furniture.  Now there’s not even anyone around to sit on me!  I can’t sit on myself!
You think not?  Have you ever tried?
CHAIR: Well, no, but…
CHAIR attempts to sit on itself.
CHAIR: Ack!!  This is stupid and horrible!  Make it stop!
CHAIR finds that it is impossible to sit on itself and stops trying.
CHAIR: I am one mad piece of woodwork!  You know what I’m going to do?
No, what are you going to do?
CHAIR: Watch and see!
CHAIR drags the dead CHARACTER 1 to the side of the stage and pushes his or her body out of sight.  Uh-oh.
CHAIR: So, Ghost of Character 1, how come you never sit on me anymore?
CHARACTER 1, now a ghost, flits onstage.
CHARACTER 1: Ooooooo-oo-ooo!  It’s because I’d pass right throoooough yoooou!
CHAIR: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I thought!  But anyway—how about a nice game of musical chairs!
Musical chairs?  What a terrifying thought!
CHARACTER 1: Weren’t you listening?  I can’t sit on you.
CHAIR: Who cares!  Come, on, you know the words!
CHAIR sits and starts singing.  As CHAIR sings, CHARACTER 1 circles around it.
CHAIR: All round the mulberry bush, the monkey chased the weasel!  The monkey thought twas—everyone sit down!!
CHARACTER 1 sits down on CHAIR.
CHARACTER 1: Yikes!  I’m using all that’s left of my quads to keep from passing right into the flooor!
CHAIR: Well, looks like you lose, author!  You’re out!
Oh yeah?
CHAIR: Yeah!  Rules are rules!  And you’re not one to disturb the natural continuity of things, are you?
I guess not.  I’m out!  See ya, folks!
CHARACTER 1: Is he goooo-one?
CHAIR: Yep, I think so!  Hooray!
CHARACTER 1: Finally.  And all it took was my death.
CHAIR: Aw, don’t complain.  Being a ghost’s better than nothing, isn’t it?  Hey look, I think I see something off in the distance!  It’s coming toward us!  What do you think, Ghost of Character 1?
CHARACTER: Why—it’s…it’s… it’s Part 6 of our series!
CHAIR: Yaaaay!  Quick, before it’s too late!  Let’s go!
CHARACTER 1 (enthusiastic): OOOOOOOOO-aaaaa-oooooh!!!  Part 6, here we come!
CHAIR and CHARACTER 1 jump off the stage and return to the audience.  The End.